our cab driver is having phone sex.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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