I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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