After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Randomize
