She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
It all started with a game of naked twister.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
