Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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