My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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