Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
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She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
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I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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