I'm going to jail i love you
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
