I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Your cock deserves a montage
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
