Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
