it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
