Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
