i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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