mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
