I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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