I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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