To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
