it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
