I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I can't put those talents on a resume
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
