Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
