her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
