I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
