I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
