Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
