i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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