I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
where are you?
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.