I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
