I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i would punch a child for taco bell
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.