No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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