If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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