I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
