If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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