i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
it's like iHOP with fire
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
