Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
