Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
