PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
