the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
