my room smells like sperm. sweet.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
