Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
