i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
