Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.