well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
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Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
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i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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