You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
