Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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