Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I had to cum in my sink.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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