it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
