He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
