I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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