Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
