Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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