Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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