Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
