I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Randomize
