I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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