Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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