just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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