Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
