I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
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