So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
