drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
