so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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